i simply LOVED this FORWARD!!
How to be a Successful Evil Overlord
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there
are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil
Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets
overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether
they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien
invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single
time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
The Top 99 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not
face concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
4. Shooting is *not* too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot
him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in
a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during
which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled,
"Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead
trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.
Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel
room well outside my border will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several rounds of
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.
The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration,
will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate
when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a
crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my
Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look
like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All
were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive
mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will
not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way
-- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render
the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun
by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter
the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is
usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of
machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
virtually inaccessible spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is
probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed
chamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same
reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into
confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely
give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements
and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come
by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.
Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for
formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the
only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every
bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legion of Terror is losing a
battle, I will believe him..
After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my
old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the
forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number
among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel
devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes
and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks
and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to
give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for
what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not
draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure."
then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will
slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to
mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with
respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not
immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I
will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them
out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that
will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions of the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him
to a less people oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels
that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in
my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert
missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone
else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target
practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully
read the owners manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code
I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will
not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through
accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be
disadvantageous.
65. If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the
maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room.
That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will
be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who
watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale
emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is
good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save
my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster
homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so th at if one of
them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around
a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be
made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by
in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using
my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my
five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label
the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or
two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not
engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a
river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the
chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity
to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making
the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive-" the
command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as
it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition
commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best
troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets
closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed
him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat,
I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what
he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of
the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have
to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us
instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite
sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then
activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be
more alone the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly
grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also,
I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them
for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not disband legions and
relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable.
After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is
facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is
finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on
the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months
of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness.
(Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and
grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
94. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the
guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of
opening the cell for a look.
95. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel
on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside
opens the door, not vice versa.
96. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
97. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor
their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore
them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their
will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other
except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others'
lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately
order their execution.
98. Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
99. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I
will provide each of them with free, unlimited Internet access.--
